TALESMEN: Midnight Palaver

Posted: January 31, 2014 in PROSE, TalesMen

by Moses Olarotimi (Sheyzznote)

“Eriwoyaaaa!”, the deep voice of the native doctor pierced the heart of the silent night. A big calabash sat firmly upon a lad’s head, its content was a fresh Isi-Ewu (goat head) with blood still oozing from its neck. It was a slow rhythmic walk, the lad proceeded with caution some pace ahead of the native doctor, while he lagged behind peeping into the darkness as if he wasn’t sure if what he was doing was right.
“Stop there!” Came a voice from behind a mango tree. The vigilante put on his flash light, pointing towards the native doctor and the lad.

“Where una dey go for this kind time of night?” He asked moving towards them, his gun in one hand, and his flash light in the other.

“Me na herbalist for dis town. Many sabi me; Baba Fagbamila, mouth and ears of the Oracle. I wan give chop-chop to the three-path junction Orisa, please allow us proceed without delay.” Replied the native doctor.

The vigilante stood gallantly before them; looked straight into the lad’s face. Poor boy! He was already sleeping on his toes, but still carrying the burden of a dead goat’s head.

“Thunder fire that your smelly-smelly mouth. Na una dey dirty our environment with useless sacrifice abi? Which yeye three-paths junction juju you dey talk about? That junction don full wit una rubbish food wey una dead gods no dey ever chop. Imagine this better Isi-Ewu wey we for take do pepper soup, na him you wan go waste for that place.” Barked the vigilante.

He pointed his flash light inside the calabash to be sure of what he was making claims on.

“I go use you do scape-goat today, you mad man. People dey sleep, you dey make noise for road for here. I go show you pepper this night.” He continued.

He balanced his gun well in his hand, and aimed it at the native herbalist who was standing with jaws dropped in surprise. He was caught up in fear, but tried to put forth a courageous stance.

“Ha! You dis night crawler, don’t invoke the wrath of the gods upon yourself and your generation o.” The Native Doctor managed to say while trying to regain his composure.
“Na jeje I dey go o, wey you come wele me begin accuse me of my job. May Esu (Satan) not use you o’.

The Vigilante burst into laughter, and said; “Your job? You dey craze! Let me tell you all the offence wey you don commit with this your garrulous action, as per say you no sabi law. Offence number; loitarin. Number two; publical newsans. Number three; pikin abush. Number four; envarunmental pollusionalism. Number five; consti…constibution dabarunism. All this na crime against law, and you are under arrest.”

The native doctor was confused, but he would not give in so easily. He burst into a thunderous laugh that almost scared the hell out of the vigilante, who was not sure what it was that made him laugh so sarcastically. The herbalist knew his moment had finally come, he decided to put up with some challenge.
“Vigilante or Area watch dog or wetin dem dey even call you, don’t even try show law for me, I sabi my right pass wetin you dey fit dey think o. Make I tell you the offence wey you just gbagaun too. Number one; salandarous. Two; falls accunsetionalism. Three; infingaring of my religious right. Four; participation in unlawful job not consti…consti…mogbe o, dis na gramma o! Constibusionaly sabi sabi. Five; use of unregis…ta killing machine. Six; Arasmenti. Seven; disropton of juju sacrifice. Eight; mis…misrepu…posentasion. And I ready to charge you to court for all this vao…nasion of congitu-gbana goberment law.”

The Vigilante pushed back some steps, looked left and right to see if any one was listening or watching them.

“How herbalist like you take sabi goberment law? He finally said; “You dey show yourself abi? For your mind you don become oga barrister abi? Na here daybreak go meet me and you, you go come explain give people wetin you want take this small boy do. Na people like you dey take people do juju, God don catch you today.”
Pointing the gun at the native doctor, he continued; “If you move, I move you. Just respect yourself and maintain for there.”

The young lad dropped the calabash on his head at the native doctor’s feet, and lie down beside it, he was immediately heard snoring deep as the two men stood watching his strange act all the while.

“Which kind Vigilante you be sef? I go curse you o!” Shouted the native doctor. His patient was almost worn out.
“You be enemy of progress o.” He continued, but this time louder, “I dey do my religious work and you come dey here accusing me of nonsense. Abeg, free me before I Sangolo and Malango for you o, I get work to do, so…”
The mouth of the gun hit the native doctor on his chest before he could finish his sentence.
“You don dey mad abi? See me see wahala dey o?” Shouted the vigilante back at him; “I go fire you if you try move, useless juju man! Your secret don expose. Breeze don blow, and fowl yansh don dey public. Today na today.”

The native doctor began to make incantations in native dialect, waving the horsetail in his hand. He hit the ground thrice, and spat before the Vigilante. The Vigilante jumped back in fear, he had been watching the native doctor all the while performing his madness, but all of a sudden the cloud began to form, the wind began to blow, lightning flashed in the sky. The native doctor was surprised as much as the Vigilante; they both looked up to the sky, and knew it was time to run for shelter. Nature’s warning was too short to weigh their options, the rain poured out from the sky with great anger as if God was tired of their gibberish talk.

The Native man picked up the young lad in his arms, the Vigilante carried the calabash and it content without been told, and together the two men took to their heels heading in the opposite directions.


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Lyriversity — Liberty of Creativity

  1. Gosh!, guy, your comical aura knows no bound… The panache, suspense, grammatical content, and above all the juxtaposition of comedy and powerplay are quite off the hook.
    I think they made the fictions on display, look real.

    Well, I leave the detection of a few errors on display for Mr. Francis Anene to sniff out.

    • Sheyzznote says:

      Thanks Mr. Ugo, I appreciate your reading and leaving behind a comment so encouraging, wish other readers find it so amusing too. Stay linked as we promise more exciting story to delight your reading. Thanks

  2. Ezeamalukwuo says:

    A very funny piece you have got here Mr Moses, I enjoyed it…keep it up.

  3. Anene Francis says:

    Very hilarious piece. I think rotfl is a close to perfect way of expressing my state now lol. Both the story line and the way it was presented are excellent. Well done mr Moses. Very telented.

    From the story, the vigilante got the goat head he desired. The lad got the sleep he yearned for. Only the harbalist lost all through lol.

    Minor suggestions:
    *For the vigilante to use big words like ‘garrulous’ seems to me like inconsistency of character, since he could not pronounce common words like abuse properly.
    * ” The native doctor was confuse” > …was confused.
    Keep up the good work.

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